Hey I’m Max Finder and welcome to another edition of the Living30 newsletter. Whenever there’s a new podcast episode, original post or something from around the web that’s so inspiring we just have to share, you’ll get an email directly to your inbox.
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Tiny Beautiful Things
I saw this post this week from the Farnam Street blog and had to share it. This is Shane Parrish of Farnam Street’s favorite letter from Cheryl Strayed, the writer of the book Wild on which the movie with Reese Witherspoon was based. She also ran the Dear Sugar love advice column, which was something that I scoured during a breakup for nuggets of wisdom. Highly recommended. She combined the best of these advice columns into a book called “Tiny Beautiful Things” and here is Shane’s favorite letter from that book. It moved me enough to want to copy paste it down here for you all to enjoy.
The question the reader wrote in to Cheryl:
Dear Sugar,
I read your column religiously. I’m twenty-two. From what I can tell by your writing, you’re in your early forties. My question is short and sweet: What would you tell your twentysomething self if you could talk to her now?
Love, Seeking Wisdom
The response:
Dear Seeking Wisdom,
Stop worrying about whether you’re fat. You’re not fat. Or rather, you’re sometimes a little bit fat, but who gives a shit? There is nothing more boring and fruitless than a woman lamenting the fact that her stomach is round. Feed yourself. Literally. The sort of people worthy of your love will love you more for this, sweet pea.
In the middle of the night in the middle of your twenties when your best woman friend crawls naked into your bed, straddles you, and says, You should run away from me before I devour you, believe her.
You are not a terrible person for wanting to break up with someone you love. You don’t need a reason to leave. Wanting to leave is enough. Leaving doesn’t mean you’re incapable of real love or that you’ll never love anyone else again. It doesn’t mean you’re morally bankrupt or psychologically demented or a nymphomaniac. It means you wish to change the terms of one particular relationship. That’s all. Be brave enough to break your own heart.
When that really sweet but fucked-up gay couple invites you over to their cool apartment to do Ecstasy with them, say no.
There are some things you can’t understand yet. Your life will be a great and continuous unfolding. It’s good you’ve worked hard to resolve childhood issues while in your twenties, but understand that what you resolve will need to be resolved again. And again. You will come to know things that can only be known with the wisdom of age and the grace of years. Most of those things will have to do with forgiveness.
One evening you will be rolling around on the wooden floor of your apartment with a man who will tell you he doesn’t have a condom. You will smile in this spunky way that you think is hot and tell him to fuck you anyway. This will be a mistake for which you alone will pay.
Don’t lament so much about how your career is going to turn out. You don’t have a career. You have a life. Do the work. Keep the faith. Be true blue. You are a writer because you write. Keep writing and quit your bitching. Your book has a birthday. You don’t know what it is yet.
You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love because you want him or her to give it. Real love moves freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else.
Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.
One hot afternoon during the era in which you’ve gotten yourself ridiculously tangled up with heroin, you will be riding the bus and thinking what a worthless piece of crap you are when a little girl will get on the bus holding the strings of two purple balloons. She’ll offer you one of the balloons, but you won’t take it because you believe you no longer have a right to such tiny beautiful things. You’re wrong. You do.
Your assumptions about the lives of others are in direct relation to your naïve pomposity. Many people you believe to be rich are not rich. Many people you think have it easy worked hard for what they got. Many people who seem to be gliding right along have suffered and are suffering. Many people who appear to you to be old and stupidly saddled down with kids and cars and houses were once every bit as hip and pompous as you.
When you meet a man in the doorway of a Mexican restaurant who later kisses you while explaining that this kiss doesn’t “mean anything” because, much as he likes you, he is not interested in having a relationship with you or anyone right now, just laugh and kiss him back. Your daughter will have his sense of humor. Your son will have his eyes.
The useless days will add up to something. The shitty waitressing jobs. The hours writing in your journal. The long meandering walks. The hours reading poetry and story collections and novels and dead people’s diaries and wondering about sex and God and whether you should shave under your arms or not. These things are your becoming.
One Christmas at the very beginning of your twenties when your mother gives you a warm coat that she saved for months to buy, don’t look at her skeptically after she tells you she thought the coat was perfect for you. Don’t hold it up and say it’s longer than you like your coats to be and too puffy and possibly even too warm. Your mother will be dead by spring. That coat will be the last gift she gave you. You will regret the small thing you didn’t say for the rest of your life.
Say thank you.
Yours,
Sugar
As an aside, Farnam Street is a great blog, podcast and newsletter centered around ‘mental models’ for different aspects of life, career, relationships, etc. It’s extremely educational on a variety of subjects and I’m sure I will share more from it here over time.
New Podcast Episodes
Two recent podcasts I want to make sure you heard. Listen at the links below or on Spotify, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your pods.
I interviewed Basti Hansen, adventure filmmaker and photographer. Basti is one of the hardest working guys I know, editing into the wee hours of the morning and always in another part of the world shooting. Originally from Germany, he's a Tel Aviv-based filmmaker who's worked with Mercedes-Benz, Volkswagen, IQOS, Universal Music, and more. And he only started working with a camera 6 years ago!
We talk how to take yourself seriously, create a body of work, partnerships in the midst of demanding work schedules and open relationships, and how to zoom out and look at your life and its trajectory in the context of daily tasks.
I interviewed Mia Schon, better known as Mosaic with Mia. She's a public artist specializing in mosaics with works all around Tel Aviv. She's extremely talented and we talk about how hard it is to finally have the courage to start calling yourself an artist, working through the non-glamorous aspects of being a professional artist, how to put yourself out there and deal with rejection, and how an annoying, vandalized wall across from her apartment set her off on the journey she's on today.
Thoughts on Comparing Ourselves to Others
Posted this to Instagram, Twitter & Facebook but thought I would share it here. Follow us there if you feel like it!
It's very easy to get caught up with what other people are doing in their lives. Especially in our 30s where many of our peers are getting married, having children, and starting to have lots of success in their careers. But they are not our adversaries or our betters. The only person that we are competing against is the person we were the day before. Woke up this morning and immediately touched your phone? Try to be present in the morning hours instead. Didn't exercise today? Try to exercise first thing tomorrow before you start your day. Didn't floss before bed last night? Make a point of doing it today. Took the elevator all day yesterday? Try to take the stairs one time today. Little improvements every day compound into massive leaps forward a year from now. It's easy to let bad habits creep into our lives during tumultuous times and to compare ourselves to other. But all we have to do is try to be a bit better today than we were yesterday.
Full body workout - Corona Edition
For all those stuck at home, I'm sharing a full body workout that requires no materials, very little space, takes less than 10 minutes and will leave you absolutely smoked. All you need is 6 foot spherical radius and you're good to go.
I've had trouble these last few days at home getting into my routine. It's so easy to wake up late, skip workouts, eat crap, and stay in pajamas all day. I've been guilty of this the last few days but finally managed to do my journaling, meditation and gratitude practice and do a quick workout, shave shower and actually put on clothes, and eat a healthy breakfast. The routine is everything.
Click here to view the workout
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That’s all for now. Thank you so much for reading.
Lots of love,
Max